Cruz de Ferro - October 3
I don’t know how to start this post. I suppose a warning that it is going to be pretty emotional and may have to include some ugly crying face pictures. I am not one of those girls who looks pretty when they cry. I am more of snot and tears running down my face and everything looks puffy and red. Consider yourself warned, dear reader.
Today’s walk was from Foncebadon to Ponferrada. The trek is 16.6 miles with an elevation gain of 997 ft and elevation loss of 3969 ft. You read that correctly, that is not a typo. Since I am in a lot of pain from a lupus flare I was just going to take a taxi. However, there is a very important stop on this part of the trek. The Cruz de Ferro (Iron Cross). This marks the highest point on the Camino and has a very emotional, sentimental part of any Camino story. You can read more about it here https://caminodesantiagofrances.com/lo/cruz-de-ferro/
In a nutshell, a lot of people carry a stone or some memento with them and leave it at the iron cross. This can have several meanings; letting go of something, a memorial to a person, a specific prayer.
I have been carrying a few things with me and one of them is a heart shaped stone that my friend, Grace, gave me right before I left.
I have been carrying it with me thinking it would be the perfect stone to represent my grief over Mom’s passing and I planned to leave it at the cross. Here’s the thing, I am not ready to let go of my grief. I don’t think I ever will.
Last night, as I lay there trying to sleep I realized if I took a taxi I would miss the Cruz de Ferro. Even though I wasn’t planning to leave anything I knew I wanted to go to that cross and get on my knees in front of it and thank God for my Mom and beg for blessings for her. I got up in the morning and told Rich and Olga I was going to leave before them and walk to the cross and I would wait for them there. I just knew I needed to walk up there alone with Mom.
I have a Mom playlist that I have been listening to ever since she left. It is mostly hymns that I would sing to her while holding her hand and a few other random songs that have felt like messages from her. I put the playlist on shuffle and set out while it was still dark.
The first song was Still Beating by Mac DeMarco. The lyric from this song that earned its spot on the playlist is “Honey, my heart still beats for you. Even though you don’t feel it”
This really set the tone for me that Mom and I were walking to the cross together. There were other pilgrims on the path but I felt like I was completely alone with her.
The next song was Whisper by Myles Smith with the constant reminder “I will never let you go”.
It was pretty dark but I looked up and saw some amazing colors bursting through as the sun was beginning its ascent
As I was walking the gentle climb my mind started to drift a little to my aching joints and I realized I wasn’t huffing and puffing like I normally do when walking uphill. In fact, I was a little surprised at how my body was moving with relative ease when just the previous night I was waddling like a penguin with stiff joints. I felt like Mom was pushing me up that hill.
The next 2 songs were praise songs that remind me of Mom’s faith. How Great is our God and Holy Forever. I felt like this was Mom reminding me to not forget Jesus as we walked together.
The most special song on my Mom playlist is It is Well with My Soul. My mom loved this song. Sajeev, Elijah and Eric sang this at her funeral. While I was walking I told my mom that I wanted to hear that song when I got to the cross and then I would know she is ok and that she is happy.
I started to feel anxious that my shuffle play would ruin everything and play the song too early and break my heart but I kept my faith that Mom was speaking to me
The next song was I Can Only Imagine. This song is about what it would be like for a believer to finally get to heaven. I first heard this song when my brother, Sajeev, sang it so beautifully many years ago. Hearing it on this walk with Mom made me feel like her hopes and faith had been realized.
As I was getting closer and the cross came into view I started sobbing. The song that came on at this point was You Say by Lauren Daigle
You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
And you say I am held when I am falling short
And when I don't belong, oh, You say I am Yours
And I believe (I), oh, I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
I believe
Serious snot face sobbing at this point. I got to the cross and made my way to the mound of stones, pictures and other tokens and sobbed as I took out my picture of Mom that is taped to my journal and my heart shaped rock. I laid them on the pile and prayed
I looked at my Mom’s beautiful, smiling face and felt her beaming with pride. I picked up the journal and stone because as I mentioned I was not going to leave them there and made me way around and found a spot to kneel. I collapsed and sobbed with the weight of missing her so much. As I sobbed uncontrollably I felt a hand on my back and someone kneeling next to me. It was Rich. Reminding me that there is plenty of love for me still here on earth. I looked up and saw Olga in tears as she laid her stone on the pile.
As we hugged I forgot I was still listening to music and It Is Well With My Soul started playing.
It is Well With My Soul
David Phelps and Guy Penrod
When peace like a river attended my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say
It is well, it is well, with my soul
It is well (it is well)
With my soul (with my soul)
It is well, it is well with my soul
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought
My sin, not in part but the whole
Is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, oh, my soul
It is well (it is well)
With my soul (with my soul)
It is well, it is well with my soul
And Lord haste the day when my faith shall be sight
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll
The trumpet shall sound and the Lord shall descend
Even so, it is well with my soul
It is well (it is well)
With my soul (with my soul)
Oh it is well, it is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
