Finished business

I’m going to let Rich do the blog about our final day of walking but I wanted to write a little about why I felt the need to do another Camino and how I feel now that it is done.

Last year’s Camino was just a few short months after my beautiful Mom went to her heavenly home. Mom is my everything and not being able to hear her voice every day has left a hole in my heart so vast that I am really not sure how it is still beating. I thought doing Camino at that time would help me to figure out how to go on without her. It didn’t. The truth is I absolutely do not want to exist without her. So, last year along with Lupus flare I was battling extreme grief and severe depression. When we came home and reflected on the whole experience I was so disappointed in myself because I felt like I didn’t push my body as hard as I should have. Looking back though, I did push my body and soul as much as I could have. Grief and depression are very real and the fact that I woke up every day and figured out a way to get from point A to point B and pushed through every sorrowful moment was hard.

Now, a year later the grief and depression are still very much there but thanks to therapy and the love and support of so many people I am even stronger today.

The last two days of walking over 8 miles back to back is one of the hardest physical challenges I have ever done. My joints are so stiff from Lupus and I am utterly exhausted. This year, I know that I pushed my body to its absolute physical limits and I am proud. I am finally proud of this body that I have hated for so long. It will never be thin. It will never wear clothes that I love. It will never look the way I want it to but this body has proven it is strong. I think at 50 years old it is time to stop hating this body that has carried me through life. I have always believed that the least interesting thing about someone is the way they look. It is time to apply that same belief to myself and stop worrying so much about how my fat rolls look to others.

I didn’t think I was going to be super emotional when we got to Santiago (cue the laughter of anyone who knows me and knows “emotional” is my normal state). As we neared the city, I felt everything all at once. I pulled out my emergency Mom picture and clutched it close to my heart as we walked into the cathedral square because I know she is still with me. I clung to Rich and Olga, the two best pilgrims you could ever hope to walk beside.